Not So Normal Parenting | Enneagram, Myers Briggs, Personality, Neurodivergence, Emotional Intelligence
Are your kids staging a rebellion against the sanity in your home? Is your child a living puzzle you can’t understand? Are you craving insight into the minds of your adopted or step-children? There is a powerful way to learn how God designed them and how to guide them to their full potential while also learning about yourself so you can overcome negative patterns that are stealing your joy. Welcome to Not So Normal Parenting’ where we unravel the mysteries of family dynamics, from toddlers to teens and everything in between, using team building tools like Myers Briggs and the Enneagram. I’m Wendy Gossett, personality prodigy and parenting coach, best-selling author, speaker and viral embarrassing dancing mom. I raised a son and daughter that are as different as Bob Ross and the Black Widow and I am definitely not normal. Let’s celebrate the beautifully not-so-normal together – because who needs normal when you can thrive in the extraordinary?
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Episodes
Tuesday Jun 25, 2024
Tuesday Jun 25, 2024
In this episode I interview Erin Lockwood who travels all over the world with her family to create their YouTube channel called Always Be Changing. Erin is an ESFJ Ox, type 2 on the Enneagram. She is parenting three children and two of them are her opposites. Her son Colt is an ENTP Eagle, who tested as gifted, but doesn’t respond well to discipline and a typical school environment. Her daughter Brooklyn is an ISTP, the same type as my daughter, but a type 5 on the Enneagram, which will be the next episode now that we have wrapped up the heart center with types 2,3 and 4. Since Erin is a type 2 parenting a type 5, I thought it would be a great segway. I met Erin because her pediatrician recommended, she come see me before she pursued other psychological testing for her son Colt. I want to be the first and hopefully the last place families can get answers when they are wondering if their child’s behavior is normal. I talk with Erin about
1. Her decision to pull her kids out of school and travel the world
2. The secret cure for her son’s emotional impulsiveness and oppositional defiance
3. Why it isn’t okay for her to hug her type 5 daughter
4. And how she has learned to set boundaries and separate facts from her very strong feelings.
You can follow Erin and Phil Lockwood at FollowABC.com or Live the Philippines.
Website: Wendy Gossett.com Get FREE resources on my website: https://wendygossett.com/category/resources/ or email me at WendyGossett.com
Get a FREE Child Temperament Test when you join my Not So Normal Parenting Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/notsonormalparenting
Book: Your Child's Inner Drive:Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens on Amazon or https://wendygossett.com/product/your-childs-inner-drive-parenting-by-personality-for-toddlers-to-teens/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaaOCjoDyOk4_gS1KCncLvQ
Instagram is Wendy.Gossett
Tuesday Jun 18, 2024
Tuesday Jun 18, 2024
In this episode, we delve into the intricate world of Enneagram Type 4, also known as the Romantic or Individualist. If you are a Type 4 or raising one, you are likely familiar with their deep emotional landscape, creativity, and struggles with feelings of envy and loneliness. Host [Your Name], a Type 4 herself, shares personal insights and practical strategies learned from years of transforming negative thoughts and emotions. This episode provides valuable tips for understanding and supporting Type 4s in navigating their intense emotions and finding fulfillment.
Key Points:
Characteristics of Type 4: Emotional, intuitive, often feeling misunderstood, and struggling with envy.
Common Struggles: Loneliness, longing, emotional intensity, and fear of being ordinary.
Practical Tips:
Validating and empathizing with their deep emotions.
Encouraging creativity and authenticity.
Helping them reframe thoughts through gratitude.
Teaching coping strategies like journaling and breathing exercises.
Finding communities that appreciate their unique perspective.
Parenting Type 4s:
Emotional Support: Creating a safe space for them to express their feelings and ensuring they feel understood.
Encouragement: Praising their unique contributions and helping them find like-minded peers.
Managing Comparisons: Fostering gratitude and contentment with what they have.
PodcastContactInfo
Website: Wendy Gossett.com Get FREE resources on my website: https://wendygossett.com/category/resources/ or email me at WendyGossett.com
Get a FREE Child Temperament Test when you join my Not So Normal Parenting Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/notsonormalparenting
Book: Your Child's Inner Drive: Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens on Amazon or https://wendygossett.com/product/your-childs-inner-drive-parenting-by-personality-for-toddlers-to-teens/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaaOCjoDyOk4_gS1KCncLvQ
Instagram is Wendy.Gossett
Tuesday Jun 11, 2024
Tuesday Jun 11, 2024
Today’s episode is about the Type 3 Achiever, which is a type that almost everyone resonates with. Because America is the land of the three, the land of chasing success. Almost everyone, including myself has fallen into the comparison trap and found themselves feeling inadequate or like they aren’t enough. Is your to do list a mile long? Do you have a hard time relaxing? Type 2, 3 and 4 are all in the heart center, focused on receiving attention and presenting a certain image. A Type 2 wants to be seen as likable and helpful and a type 3 wants to be seen as charming and successful. Failure for a type 3 brings crushing shame and often denial. In the world of likes and followers, a type 3 can be on quite an emotional rollercoaster by placing their self-worth in the hands of their achievements and abilities. Many parents, without realizing it, are feeding this achievement cycle. Tune in to this episode to discover the 5 major thought patterns of a type 3, the emotions and actions those thoughts produce and how a Type 3 can reframe those thoughts to feel better and discover their true identity. Be sure to listen to episode 18 on how to transform your thoughts because it is the foundation of the entire enneagram system and the absolute best way to change your life for the better!
Website: Wendy Gossett.com Get FREE resources on my website: https://wendygossett.com/category/resources/ or email me at WendyGossett.com
Get a FREE Child Temperament Test when you join my Not So Normal Parenting Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/notsonormalparenting
Book: Your Child's Inner Drive:Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens on Amazon or https://wendygossett.com/product/your-childs-inner-drive-parenting-by-personality-for-toddlers-to-teens/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaaOCjoDyOk4_gS1KCncLvQ
Instagram is Wendy.Gossett
Wednesday Jun 05, 2024
Wednesday Jun 05, 2024
In this episode, we shift focus from the body center to the heart center, which includes Enneagram types 2, 3, and 4. The heart center deals with issues of attention and self-image, often grappling with feelings of grief, shame, and worthlessness. We dive deep into the characteristics of Type 2s, who derive their self-worth from being helpful and appreciated by others, but may struggle with insecurity and dependence on external validation.
We'll discuss how to identify and reframe negative thought patterns common to Type 2s, providing strategies for fostering self-awareness and healthier relationships. An illustrative listener's story about a Type 2 ESFJ daughter highlights practical advice on using a two-way journal to improve communication and understanding between parents and children.
Key insights include recognizing the importance of self-care, managing feelings of guilt and overwhelm, and addressing deeper psychological patterns rooted in childhood experiences. We'll also explore the unique challenges Type 2s face, such as dealing with pride, resentment, and the tendency toward martyrdom.
Join us as we offer tools and insights to help Type 2s find their own worth and navigate their emotional landscapes more effectively.
Website: Wendy Gossett.com Get FREE resources on my website: https://wendygossett.com/category/resources/ or email me at WendyGossett.com
Get a FREE Child Temperament Test when you join my Not So Normal Parenting Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/notsonormalparenting
Book: Your Child's Inner Drive:Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens on Amazon or https://wendygossett.com/product/your-childs-inner-drive-parenting-by-personality-for-toddlers-to-teens/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaaOCjoDyOk4_gS1KCncLvQ
Instagram is Wendy.Gossett
Tuesday Jun 04, 2024
Tuesday Jun 04, 2024
In this transformative episode, Wendy Gossett shares personal insights and practices that can change your life. Kicking off a new Enneagram series, Wendy discusses the struggles of all nine types, starting with Type 9, the Peacemaker. Learn how these struggles affect thoughts and feelings, and discover ways to reframe thoughts to improve your well-being and coach your children effectively.
Explore Wendy's this podcast launched in April 2024, for more insights on Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram. Wendy's book, "Your Child’s Inner Drive: Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens," provides additional guidance for parents managing diverse personality types within their families.
With over 60,000 thoughts buzzing in our heads daily, it's crucial to be aware of how these thoughts shape our feelings and actions. Wendy uses relatable examples and offers specific strategies to help you recognize, reframe, and supervise your thoughts. She highlights the importance of thought awareness and provides practical steps for parents to coach their children using the Enneagram.
Key techniques include keeping a thought journal, questioning your thoughts, and understanding the emotional impact of your thoughts. Wendy emphasizes that changing your thought patterns can lead to a better life and healthier relationships.
Website: Wendy Gossett.com Get FREE resources on my website: https://wendygossett.com/category/resources/ or email me at WendyGossett.com
Get a FREE Child Temperament Test when you join my Not So Normal Parenting Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/notsonormalparenting
Book: Your Child's Inner Drive:Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens on Amazon or https://wendygossett.com/product/your-childs-inner-drive-parenting-by-personality-for-toddlers-to-teens/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaaOCjoDyOk4_gS1KCncLvQ
Instagram is Wendy.Gossett
Tuesday Jun 04, 2024
Tuesday Jun 04, 2024
In this episode, we shift focus from the body center to the heart center, which includes Enneagram types 2, 3, and 4. The heart center deals with issues of attention and self-image, often grappling with feelings of grief, shame, and worthlessness. We dive deep into the characteristics of Type 2s, who derive their self-worth from being helpful and appreciated by others, but may struggle with insecurity and dependence on external validation.
We'll discuss how to identify and reframe negative thought patterns common to Type 2s, providing strategies for fostering self-awareness and healthier relationships. An illustrative listener's story about a Type 2 ESFJ daughter highlights practical advice on using a two-way journal to improve communication and understanding between parents and children.
Key insights include recognizing the importance of self-care, managing feelings of guilt and overwhelm, and addressing deeper psychological patterns rooted in childhood experiences. We'll also explore the unique challenges Type 2s face, such as dealing with pride, resentment, and the tendency toward martyrdom.
Join us as we offer tools and insights to help Type 2s find their own worth and navigate their emotional landscapes more effectively.
Website: Wendy Gossett.com Get FREE resources on my website: https://wendygossett.com/category/resources/ or email me at WendyGossett.com
Get a FREE Child Temperament Test when you join my Not So Normal Parenting Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/notsonormalparenting
Book: Your Child's Inner Drive:Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens on Amazon or https://wendygossett.com/product/your-childs-inner-drive-parenting-by-personality-for-toddlers-to-teens/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaaOCjoDyOk4_gS1KCncLvQ
Instagram is Wendy.Gossett
Tuesday May 28, 2024
Tuesday May 28, 2024
In this episode, we delve into the Enneagram Type 1, known as The Perfectionist. The Enneagram serves as a powerful tool to help parents recognize their unconscious thought patterns, enabling them to guide their children toward self-awareness and positive transformation. Type 1 children often fixate on imperfections in their environment and themselves, striving for perfection and control.
We start with an introduction to Enneagram Type 1, explaining how these individuals tend to focus on what needs to be fixed. Their unconscious thought patterns can lead to feelings of frustration, anger, and rigidity. The host shares a personal anecdote about the challenges faced while recording episode 16, illustrating the struggle with perfectionism and the importance of being flexible and forgiving of oneself.
The episode includes a listener question from an INFJ Type 1 father who struggles with his ISTP Type 8 son, who resists rules and chores. The host advises focusing on connection before correction, recognizing the son's need for independence, and engaging in activities the son enjoys to build a better relationship.
We also explore the different variants of Type 1:
Self-preservation Ones: Worriers who focus on controlling their environment.
Social Ones: Intellectuals who strive to set an example for others.
One-on-one (Sexual) Ones: Express anger and are highly critical, resembling Type 8 in their intensity.
For growth, Type 1s need to become aware of their unconscious patterns and reframe negative thoughts. Strategies for personal development include practicing forgiveness, empathy, flexibility, and self-care.
Common challenges for Type 1s are discussed along with ways to reframe their thoughts:
Perfectionism: Embrace progress over perfection and view mistakes as opportunities for growth.
Anger: Channel anger constructively and focus on positive change.
Resentment: Practice forgiveness and let go of grudges.
Anxiety: Stay present and practice mindfulness techniques.
Guilt: Understand that everyone makes mistakes and move forward after making amends.
Rigidity: Embrace flexibility and spontaneity.
Criticism: Shift from criticism to constructive feedback and recognize everyone's strengths.
Judgment: Practice empathy and understanding.
Tension: Use relaxation techniques to alleviate stress and prioritize self-care.
The host offers encouraging words and affirmations to help Type 1s reframe their thoughts and focus on positive growth. The episode also includes spiritual insights, referencing biblical encouragement not to worry and highlighting the importance of faith and trust in a higher power.
Listeners are encouraged to email questions to WendyGossett.com and explore further resources such as the "Understanding Your Family 101" session or the "Not So Normal Parenting" Facebook community for support and guidance.
Website: WendyGossett.com Get FREE resources on my website: https://wendygossett.com/category/resources/ or email me at WendyGossett.com
Get a FREE Child Temperament Test when you join my Not So Normal Parenting Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/notsonormalparenting
Book: Your Child's Inner Drive:Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens on Amazon or https://wendygossett.com/product/your-childs-inner-drive-parenting-by-personality-for-toddlers-to-teens/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaaOCjoDyOk4_gS1KCncLvQ
Instagram is Wendy.Gossett
Friday May 24, 2024
Friday May 24, 2024
In this transformative episode, we delve deep into the struggles of Enneagram Type 8, exploring how their quest for control and fear of vulnerability shape their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Whether you’re a Type 8 or a parent of one, this episode offers vital insights into managing these powerful dynamics.
We'll revisit some foundational concepts from Episode 15, emphasizing their importance in understanding all Enneagram types. For those familiar, feel free to jump ahead to the 12-minute mark to dive straight into Type 8 specifics.
Type 8s, located in the body or gut center of the Enneagram, focus intensely on control and often express their underlying emotion—anger—openly. We'll explore how their intense energy, need for control, and fixation on justice manifest in their daily lives and relationships.
Additionally, we’ll discuss the instinctual variants of Type 8s—self-preservation, social, and sexual—and how these influence their behavior. From the intensity of their play to their resistance to authority, understanding these facets can help parents and educators support Type 8 children more effectively.
Join us as we unpack practical strategies to help Type 8s reframe their thoughts and embrace vulnerability, fostering healthier relationships and emotional well-being. Plus, hear personal anecdotes, including a touching story about a Type 8 child navigating a family move, to illustrate these principles in action.
Finally, if you enjoy our content, please check your Apple reviews and consider leaving a new one if yours has disappeared. Your support helps us reach more listeners and continue sharing these valuable insights.
Tune in for a powerful discussion that promises to enhance your understanding of Type 8s and enrich your approach to their unique challenges.
Website: Wendy Gossett.com Get FREE resources on my website: https://wendygossett.com/category/resources/ or email me at WendyGossett.com
Get a FREE Child Temperament Test when you join my Not So Normal Parenting Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/notsonormalparenting
Book: Your Child's Inner Drive:Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens on Amazon or https://wendygossett.com/product/your-childs-inner-drive-parenting-by-personality-for-toddlers-to-teens/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaaOCjoDyOk4_gS1KCncLvQ
Instagram is Wendy.Gossett
Monday May 13, 2024
Monday May 13, 2024
I am not exaggerating when I tell you that this episode could transform your life! I speak from personal experience because the practice I am going to tell you about changed mine. This will be the first of an Enneagram series where I talk about the struggles of all nine types, how those struggles effect our thoughts and feelings and then how you can reframe the thoughts and coach your children to do the same.
I started a podcast in mid April 2024 called Not So Normal Parenting. There are some episodes there that are not on this channel so check it out if you are a fan of Myers Briggs and the Enneagram. You can also grab a copy of my best selling book ebtitled Your Child’s Inner Drive: Parenting by Personality from Toddlers toTeens. I was a facilitator for team building and realized I could use these amazing tools with my own family team since I was parenting a son and daughter who were as different as Bob Ross and the Black Widow, you can check out my interview with them on the channel. My daughter is an ISTP type 8, my son is an ISFJ Type 9 and I am an ENFJ Type 4. Since parents are like the Ceo’s of their fmily, I work with them to help them see the connections and disconnections in their brain wiring.Parenting isn’t intuitive if you have kids who are your opposites! You can check out my work, blog and get a free child temperament test at WendyGossett.com
Did you know you have over 60,000 thoughts every single day buzzing around your head? That's a lot to keep track of! Some of us are completely unaware of what is going on inside of our head. This is unwise, considering the fact that our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings determine our actions. In fact, all your emotions, good, bad, happy and sad are 100% generated by your thoughts. Your unconscious thoughts are sort of like an unsupervised West Highland White terrior in a closet full of shoes and flip flops. Oh that example sounds sort of specific? That’s because my Westie, Milo, loved to chew and sever the toe piece of all our flip flops. All I needed to do was to be aware of where the flip flops were at all times, even in the middle of summer; and where Milo was, even though he was a crazy puppy with Zoomies, so that the destruction did not occur. Not an easy task! Just like being aware of all 60,000 thoughts every day is not easy either. In episode 12 and 3 I give an introduction to an amazing tool for growing human potential called the Enneagram. This tool is dependent upon thought awareness. Why? Because being aware and then reframing your thought patterns is the single most powerful way to change your life for the better! Later in this episode I am going to give very specific examples of what a type 9 Peacemaker parent’s mind struggles with, how these thoughts negatively effect their feelings and how the thoughts can be reframed to turn the feeling around. I will then teach any parent how to coach their type 9 child using powerful questions generated by the Enneagram.
Love this lady, love this podcast!
Wendy Gossett speaks with such honesty and says it like it is!! I love how real she is and how open her family is to helping others understand one another. I have never heard such powerful insight into how we operate as unique individuals. After reading Wendy’s book “Your Child’s Inner Drive” and working with Wendy To better appreciate the personalities of my children, we have so much more peace and unity in our family relationships!! I can now honor my teens for who they are and how God created them instead of feel frustrated by our differences. I am so happy she now has a podcast so I can continue to get a dose of her wisdom and teaching! May everyone be blessed as they learn this life giving tool for all relationships.
William James a philosopher and psychologist, regarded as one of the most influential figures in the development of modern psychology said that. "The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." - William James
My thought patterns were extremely damaging and involved comparison and shame. I will do an entire episode on the Type 4 and Type 3 which are my main types, but in a nutshell, These thoughts caused me to feel depressed and since a Type 4 fixates on their feelings, I could go into a funk that was hard to shake. But I began the practice of being conscious of my thoughts, taking every thought captive and reframing those thoughts to God’s truth about how He sees me.
So, here's is how you can begin to supervise those thoughts that are zooming around in your head. Begin by simply asking yourself, "What am I thinking?" on a regular basis. It's like a little mental check-in that can make a really big difference. You can also let your feelings tell you when to check in on your thoughts. If all of a sudden you begin to feel a tightening in your chest or a twisting in your gut, it is time to press rewind on your thoughts and ask yourself what negative thought created the negative feeling. The Enneagram gives all of us clues into what these negative thoughts might be so they are easier to recognize and bring into consciousness. I am going to do 8 more episodes for every type, to uncover the biggest struggle of each and all the thoughts that revolve around it.
If you have never done this before, I challenge you to keep a thought journal for a week. When you ask yourself the question, “What am I thinking?” grab a pen and paper and let your thoughts flow. Write whatever comes to mind without stopping, no filtering, just get it all out. It will be sort of like cleaning out your closet. What are the thoughts you want to wear and what are the thoughts that need to get bagged up and sent to Goodwill or sold on Ebay if you have clothes that someone else would actually want. My Lululemon wearers know! I still don’t wear Lulu even though I get a 30% discount for being a fitness instructor. So purge your mind of the negative thoughts so you can make room for the new positive ones you are going to create. So the first question to ask is “What am I thinking?”
Next up, ask yourself, "Why am I choosing to think this?" This helps you realize that it's not your circumstances that are forcing you feel a certain way, it's your thoughts about those circumstances. Sometimes, our reasons for thinking certain thoughts are a bit off-base, so this question can help straighten things out. The Enneagram tells us what are well worn unconscious thought patterns are. In episode 3 and 12, we talk about the fixations of each type which can also help you identify these unconscious habitual thought patterns. SO again, the second question is, “Why am I choosing to think this?”
Next,, check in with yourself and ask, "How does this thought feel?" Pay attention to your emotions because they're little warning lights, sort of like “the low fuel light in your car” telling you if a thought is helpful or not. If it doesn't feel good, maybe it's time to let go or reframe that thought.
And again, if you're feeling a bit off but not sure why, ask yourself, "What's the thought behind this feeling?" It's a sneaky way to peek into your mind and understand what's really going on in there.
Oh, and here's a powerful one: "How do I want to feel?" Reminding yourself that you're in control of your feelings by choosing your thoughts can be a game-changer. Knowing how you want to feel can kickstart some serious action, even if it's just changing your mindset.
So let’s dive into what this looks like for a Type 9 parent or a Type 9 child or spouse. Type Nines are Peacemakers so their false identity is that they are never in conflict. They fixate on the external world around them, seeing every little detail, so they don’t have to focus on their internal, less than peaceful thoughts. A Type 9’s struggle is sloth. You know sloth, like the adorable cousin of the anteater that moves really slooooow. Sloth is not laziness but more a hesitation to take action, driven by their desire for harmony. They may procrastinate or avoid decisions that could disrupt peace. Think of them as easygoing and chill, but sometimes slow to start on big tasks. They're not lazy; they just prefer to avoid conflict and maintain balance. Here are some negative thoughts the Type 9 Peacemaker in your life might have:
Type Nine Negative Thoughts:
"My opinions and desires don't matter as much as others'."
"I must avoid conflict at all costs to maintain peace."
"I fear being seen as assertive or confrontational."
"I'm responsible for keeping everyone happy and harmonious."
"I'm not important enough to speak up or assert myself."
"If I express my needs, I'll burden others and disrupt the harmony."
"I'm afraid of expressing disagreement because it might lead to rejection or abandonment."
"I often feel overlooked or invisible in social situations."
"I'm afraid of making decisions because I don't want to upset anyone."
"I feel guilty when prioritizing my own needs over others'."
"I constantly second-guess myself and doubt my own worth."
"I often feel overwhelmed by the needs and expectations of others."
Negative Emotions for Type 9:
Avoidance, frustration or stagnation since their main focus is avoiding conflict.
They may struggle with making decisions or asserting their own preferences, leading to feelings of indecisiveness or being overlooked.
Type 9s may suppress their own needs and desires to maintain harmony, leading to feelings of resentment towards others who seem more assertive or self-centered.
They may feel passive or powerless in their own lives, allowing others to make decisions for them or feeling overshadowed by more dominant personalities.
Type 9s may neglect their own needs and desires in favor of maintaining peace and harmony in their relationships, leading to feelings of self-forgetfulness or self-neglect.
Type 9s may struggle with inertia or a lack of motivation to pursue their goals or dreams, feeling stuck or complacent in their current circumstances.
Type 9s may struggle with emotional numbness or disconnect from their inner desires and passions, leading to feelings of apathy or disconnection from life. My husband is a type 9 and he barely batted an eye when both my kids left for college at the same time due to Covid. He buried his emotions whereas myself, a type 4 who fixates on emotions, was in a desperate place, trying to navigate the massive change in my identity. I was in his face begging him to join me on the journey to finding our new normal. We had never had conflict in our marriage, but the empty nest nearly broke us apart. I wanted to call ourselves New Chapter Adapters instead of empty nesters, but I was the only one outwardly and actively fighting to adapt. I couldn’t see it, but he was adapting by numbing out and avoiding me! Nines avoid conflict and I was conflict personified! I will do a whole episode on how we a Type 9 and a Type 4 crawled out of the pit with the help of the Enneagram, but if you are in a similar situation and would like to read the blog post about it right now, email me at wendy@wendygossett.com. Or ask about scheduling a virtual appointment. I help couples see their blind spots all the time through Myers Briggs and the Enneagram. You can also get more insight into the type 9 by checking out Episode 11 which is an interview with my Type 9 Peacemaker son, Nathan.
Reframing for Type 9:
Recognize that conflict and discomfort are natural parts of life and can lead to growth and positive change. Embrace opportunities to express your needs and assert yourself in a healthy and respectful manner. Coach your child by asking, "What do you think are some healthy ways to express your needs when you're feeling uncomfortable?" Then have them practice in a safe situation.
Trust in your ability to make decisions and assert your preferences. Remember that your opinions and desires are valid and worthy of consideration. Celebrate the conflicts your child has overcome."What are some decisions you've made recently that you feel proud of?"
"How can you remind yourself that your opinions and desires are important and worthy of consideration?" Say something to yourself like, “ It’s ok to Voice Your Choice
Honor your own needs and desires without feeling guilty or resentful. Practice assertiveness and boundary-setting in your relationships to ensure that your voice is heard and respected. "Can you think of a time when you felt guilty or resentful for expressing your needs? How can you honor your needs without feeling guilty?"
"What are some ways you can assert yourself respectfully in your friendships or at school?"
Take an active role in shaping your own life and pursuing your goals. Trust in your ability to make decisions and assert yourself in a respectful and assertive manner. "What are some goals you have for yourself right now? How can you take steps to pursue them?"
"When was a time you felt proud of standing up for yourself or expressing your opinion?"
Prioritize self-care and self-expression in your life. Take time to connect with your inner desires and passions and honor your own needs and priorities. "What activities or hobbies make you feel happiest and most fulfilled?"
"How can you make sure you're taking care of yourself emotionally and physically?"
Break tasks and decisions into smaller, more manageable steps, and take proactive measures to address challenges or conflicts as they arise. "What's one task you've been avoiding lately? How can you break it down into smaller steps to make it more manageable?"
"What's one small action you can take today to address a challenge you're facing?"
Practice mindfulness and self-reflection to connect with your emotions and innermost desires. Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions in healthy and constructive ways. "What are some emotions you've been feeling lately? How can you express them in a healthy way?"
"What are some activities that help you feel more connected to your emotions and inner self?"
Motivation: Identify your values and passions and take steps to align your actions with your deepest desires and aspirations. Seek out opportunities for growth and personal development and embrace new experiences with enthusiasm and curiosity. "What's one change you'd like to see in your life right now? How can you take control and make it happen?"
"How can you remind yourself that you have the power to shape your own future?"
"What's one new experience you've been curious about trying? How can you take steps to make it happen?"
“What are some things that are really important to you? How can you make sure your actions reflect those values?"
You can meditate on scriptures or inspirational quotes that will address the type 9 struggle of sloth. Look for my online scripture journal for Type 9’s at WendyGossett.com which will be coming soon! You can also look at Bible or book characters that had type 9 tendencies and overcame them. An example that comes to mind is Moses. He was a very reluctant, but fearless leader and the only character in the Bible that God called friend. Another perfect example of a Type 9 is Samwise Gamgee from "The Lord of the Rings" - Sam is loyal, supportive, and values harmony within the fellowship. He often puts others' needs before his own and seeks to maintain peace among the group.
"I can do all things through him who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13 (ESV)
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9 (NIV)
"You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great." - Zig Ziglar
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." - Lao Tzu
Or from Finding Nemo… "Just keep swimming." - Dory, Finding Nemo
Tuesday May 07, 2024
Tuesday May 07, 2024
Since this entire podcast is based on the Myers-Briggs system as well as the Enneagram, I highly recommend you listen to episode 2 and 3 at some point. For a quick review the Ox is a stable rule follower… think Ox living in a stable, the Lion is brave and craves freedom, the Eagle is independent, curious and proud, and the Human is emotional and relational. Lions and Eagles are challengers and difficult to parent! You will also hear me referring to “Types 1-9” and this comes from Episode 3 which is an introduction to an amazing system for growing human potential called the Enneagram.
Today’s episode applies to every human being on the planet! The perceiving and judging functions J and P in the Myers-Briggs system, determine how we live our lives. The P types are driving a convertible through life with the wind in their hair an no particular destination in mind. The J types are driving a sedan on a highway with a GPS. They are more serious, intentional, and structured. But what happens when you mix the two up and put them all under one roof? Opposites attract so there is a chance you could be a J married to a P. I will give a quick test in this episode so you can get an idea which one you are. We live in a J society but the Ps in our life make things fun. I was doing a seminar and one of the Lion dads was cracking a joke, and I made the mistake of saying your Pness is showing. I will never live that one down and will never do that again! Stay tuned to the end for five amazing tips for working with your P child.
Perceiving and Judging, P or J, Free Spirit or Rule Follower
Judgers live their lives by following the rules, checking things off the box, making lists, and sticking to time frames. Perceivers live their lives much more spontaneously, forging their own path and leaving their options open. The P or Perceiving and J or Judging preferences are most likely impacting your household in the biggest way since these preferences determine how we live our life on a day-to-day, minute-to-minute basis. Perceivers crave freedom and a top-down, wind-in-your-hair, convertible way of living life. Judgers crave structure and a more top-up, neatly coiffed, sedan existence. A true Perceiver is driving a convertible, without a GPS, on an off-the-beaten path, curvy road. A true Judger is in a sedan with a GPS on a straight, well-traveled highway. Many people bristle at the term Judger because people automatically associate it with being judgmental. However, Judging functions help us make decisions and limit our possibilities. Everyone has two Judging functions and two Perceiving functions that make up their personality. If there were no Judging functions, we would all be sitting around like useless blobs, unable to decide when to eat, sleep, or do anything else.
Since all children tend to be somewhat free-spirited, these preferences can be harder to detect when they are younger. Perceivers hate being inhibited with too many boundaries, so it is possible that you will notice an extreme reaction when you stand in the way of their freedom. They prefer the unconventional way of doing things and tend to have difficulty finishing what they started. They also frequently struggle to be on time, follow directions, or stick to a plan. Judging children like to learn the “right way” to do something and are willing to follow conventional parenting styles. They like finishing what they start and knowing what to expect. It might sound like a Judging child is every parent’s dream. For the most part, they are a bit easier to understand, but I get plenty of calls about Judging types that are too controlling.
I worked with an amazing adoptive mom of four kids. I want to give a shout out to all my adoptive parents because you are some of the most amazing parents on the planet! Please share this podcast if you are friends with an adoptive parent. Sometimes these parents don’t get to know these children as babies. It is the same way with the step parents I work with. This mom told me she had a voice inside her head that was always wondering if her kids were happy in their new home. One of her daughters, in particular, seemed quiet and reserved. No matter what this mom did to connect with this daughter, it didn’t seem to register. She thought this daughter may have had some kind of attachment issue. Once we worked together, she realized that they were brain opposites. This mother’s natural way of parenting was to be energetic, positive, full of surprises and spontaneity. She is an ENFP, extroverted feeling Human, a type seven, on the Enneagram. Her daughter was a reserved, structured and serious ISTJ introverted sensing thinking Ox type. We laughed as I suggested the mom do something completely counterintuitive. She should offer to do a puzzle with her daughter. This mom had never done a puzzle in her life! The daughter absolutely loved it! She loved just hanging out side-by-side with no pressure to talk, while doing a quiet activity.
This mom, April Fallon, who is now host of the ADOPTION NOW podcast shared this quote with me. “Roadmap is what I say to people when I tell them about you. You gave us the map for our family and how we all function together. From the moment we met with you our whole lives changed. Learning who is an introvert and extrovert and helping my husband understand my son has transformed their relationship. His understanding of me changed too and now he is nicer to me too! The realization that one of my daughters is exactly the same as him was an eye-opener. I learned how to love them better and help them feel understood. I call them the koala bears. They love to achieve but only because they want the people they love close to them. They are the snuggly people. Three of us are team creative, however one of us is introverted and needs time away in her room. We designed her room to have a happy place that she has learned to adore. And finally, my Type 9 peacemaker, reserved daughter (the one I do puzzles with) notices everything and takes it in. Recently we found out she has auditory processing disorder and that was because we could pull apart what was personality versus what was a real issue. Once we found out, we could support her in the way she needs. She loves one on one time, verbal praise, and outdoor activities like hiking. I never ever ever wonder how or if she loves us or is happy anymore. I know her love runs deep and giving her a space to show it in her own way has been so healing.”
If you would like to get the road map for understanding your family and having more peace in your home, go to WendyGossett.com and sign up for my Understanding Your Family 101 Session. You can also purchase my book on Amazon. Your Childs Inner Drive Parenting by Personality from Toddlers to Teens.
I worked with a mom, who is the only J or structured one in a family of P freedom seekers. She has often felt like she was paddling upstream, forcing her will upon everyone. She would schedule practice hours for her boys to do sports and keep close tabs on them. All her expectations weren’t adding up. Everyone in her family needed freedom, which was the opposite of her parenting style. I had to ask her what was more important; the correction or the connection. I’ve had to ask this question to many parents when they are fighting battles over a clean room or how to load the dishwasher. Ask yourself what is more important; correction or connection? Over and over again, I have seen a huge change occur when the parents shift their focus to connection rather than correction. Her boys are both lion P types that had to learn from life and find their own way. It was difficult for her, an extroverted, thinking Ox, type one on the Enneagram, but she realized she had to let them fail.
And failure is not as scary as you may think. Some people learn from failing. Whenever a baby is learning to walk, they have to fall over and over again. Pushing themselves up off the floor helps them get stronger. The most successful business people actually try to fail. They make a goal to fail five times in a month because failing means they are trying new things which leads to confidence and success. And it just so happens that P types who explore and try possibilities without thinking of the consequences are some of the most successful entrepreneurs in the world. I’m getting these statistics from Myers Briggs. Sometimes Lion P types don’t enjoy school. What comes naturally to them is being free to use their body in physical, practical pursuits. They like to learn from the school of hard knocks. Some J types use perfectionism as an excuse to not try. Often I have seen perfectionism as a mask for fear. so if you are a structured J parent pulling your hair out because your P child is not falling into line, chances are if you make connection your priority, they may not fall in line but they will land on their feet.
The T Thinking or Prickly and F Feeling or pleasing preferences I talk about in episode 6, play a significant role in how our child Judges or Perceives. If your child is a Thinker and a Judger or TJ, they will be very determined, rigid, and unyielding, which can make them very difficult to parent! If your child is a Feeler and a Perceiver or FP, pleasing you will be ALMOST as important to them as having the freedom to do things their way. They may still have meltdowns that seem to materialize out of nowhere, but for the most part, they are relaxed, go-with-the-flow children. If your child is a Thinker and a Perceiver or TP, get ready for a topsy-turvy time! One minute, they might be playful and relaxed, and the next minute, determined and unyielding. If your child is a Feeler and a Judger or FJ, sit back, make yourself a cup of tea, and relax. This child wants to please, desires structure, and thrives with conventional parenting. Parents with Feeling/Judging children as their firstborn often end up with a false sense of pride in their parenting ability. They can unintentionally make other parents feel inferior, causing them to question their parenting capabilities. Sadly, I was one of those parents. I painted my entire kitchen while my twelve-month-old son was perfectly content simply being in the same room with me, playing in his bouncy chair.
My husband, Greg, and I were completely humbled when our Thinking/Perceiving daughter was born. We soon realized why bookstores are filled with so many parenting books! She was, and still is, an uncontained free spirit who plays by her own rules. If you are a Judging parent with a Perceiving child, take heart. Since we live in a Judging society that runs by rules, time frames, and deadlines, Perceivers tend to look more like Judgers as they mature and are “nurtured” by parents, teachers, and societal norms. In fact, this is one of the most common testing mistypes. Mature Perceivers who have learned to play efficiently by societal rules think they are Judgers.
I was collaborating with a talented young programmer who had taken my test. Prior to our first meeting, I received his test result, which identified him as one of the most cautious and conservative J types. The minute I met him, I noticed he had an entire sleeve of brightly colored tattoos. Later, he informed me that the tattoos were the entire story of Dante’s Inferno, and he was going to have the other arm done in black and white. I was pretty sure he had mis-tested himself. I don’t want to fall into stereotyping, but I have seen thousands of patterns that usually fall into predictable outcomes. I am sure there are rare exceptions of extreme conservative J types with two complete tattoo sleeves, but there aren’t many! Not only that, but a person’s occupation also gives a great indication of their type. This programmer was very out of the box and creative, which are all traits of another type that has all the same letters, except for that oh-so-critical, free-spirited P. An ISTP and an ISTJ are very different, indeed!
Email me at wendy@wendygossett.com to receive a an illustrated chart that shows these patterns. You will also find the quick test to determine who is J or P in your family.
You will either be a P for Perceiving or a J for Judging. Keep in mind that 50ish% of the world are Perceivers and 50ish% are Judgers, although as adults, many Perceivers mis-test as Judgers since they have learned how to fit in with a Judging society. [1]
Perceiver
Judger
freedom
structure
spontaneous
planned
flexible procedures
solid procedures
change
routine
out of the box
within the lines
experience it
control it
relaxed
hurried
start it
finish it
P
J
If you found it hard to pick one and felt tied on both you are most likely an introvert. I use the analogy of Js being sedans and Ps being convertibles, but introverts are hybrids, meaning they are a little bit of both. If they are a J type, it means they are driving a sedan or in other words they like structure in the way they live their life, but their brain is Open and less decisive, just perceiving the world and taking it in. It’s like they are driving a sedan on a road with no map. If you are an introverted P type. It’s like you are driving a convertible but your brain is on a highway with a GPS. This type is concerned about their identity and can be stubborn when they set their mind to something. I worked with two introverted sensing Ox parents. They were about as structured and by the book as you could get. They had an introverted feeling Lion son, since he was a feeler Lion, he was very relational, compliant and easy-going throughout elementary school and junior high. When he got to high school, however he went off the rails. He had been following his parents rules his entire life, and because he was so relaxed it worked for him, but when he got to high school and could see his adult life looming before him, he realized he had to discover who he was. He had to discover what he stood for. His relaxed, convertible way of living, switched over to his decisive identity seeking brain. He went on a vision quest up in the mountains to become a ski instructor rather than going straight to college like his parents had always planned. Again, these parents had to decide what was more important. Their connection with their son or their expectations.
Here is an opposite story. An extroverted sensing thinking Lion child hated school. He just wanted to have fun and do sports. By the way, sports are the guard rails that will keep your Lions on track with their grades. They love sports and they love being competitive so this can be the motivation to help them get through school. By the time he was a senior, he still had no direction and had no idea what he wanted to do. His parents had a friend who worked as a sports medicine doctor. They let their son shadow him. Lions learn from watching and doing much more than learning from a textbook or hearing a lecture. His tactile extroverted sensory intelligence combined with his analytical introverted, thinking brain realized he could do exactly what this sports medicine doctor was doing. All of a sudden, he was the most determined Lion you ever saw. He went to school and studied from six in the morning to eight at night and became a surgeon making up for all his playing throughout school. If you have a story to share from your family, I would love to feature it on the podcast! Just email me at WendyGossett.com.
Here are some tips for parenting, the P types in your household.
1.Your child is not wired for structured schedules. If they are doing well in school, be grateful because what comes naturally to them is to do their own thing in their own time. Luckily, they are competitive, which might motivate them to work hard in school. When they are home, they want to settle into their comfort zone and have more freedom to play and explore. Whenever you can make things fun or a game. Try making a morning routine playlist with a song for each task on the list. Rehearse the routine to make sure each song is the right length. If they can finish each task by the time the song ends and get down to breakfast, they can get a special treat they picked out. Music also works to make chores more fun. Research has shown that music makes anyone more cooperative. Have a tidy up the house dance party. Quick, in the moment rewards work best for P children. Speaking of fun, board games are more of a J thing. You can make game time more fun by adding an action element or a silly element. Games like Throw Throw Burrito where you get to run around our favorites of P children.
2.As a J Parent who likes plans, plan a time each day to be unplanned. A J parent with a P child needs to plan to be unplanned. All kids need structure, but P children need freedom just as much.
3.Don’t lecture! Have clear rules and consequences for serious crimes. The consequence speak for themselves. Ps need freedom so let them negotiate when it is a misdemeanor and not a crime. There’s more to this, but that is the quick version.
4.Ps believe there is more than just one way to do things. if you are a perfectionist, you may need to have Elsa‘s anthem playing on repeat in your head. “Let it go”. Tell them the end goal you would like and let them pick the order or timeframe it’s completed in.
5.. P Children often have ADHD. My daughter and son were both diagnosed. My daughter is a P and my son is a hybrid introverted J with that P brain…haha he just completed the MCAT but he has a P brain which is on a country road with no map. You can listen to episodes 11 and 12 where I interview both of them to hear more about this. All P types want the quick fix to life’s problems because they want to get on with the fun. She wanted us to put her on ADHD medication. We hesitated with this decision for many months, but finally we came up with the idea to put her on a placebo and see if her performance would improve if she thought she was on the medication. We didn’t let the teacher know but positive progress reports started coming home. Because my daughter is a sensor and very aware of her body as well as details and her environment she soon figured out the pill was a fake. She begged us to put her on the real medication. Once she was on it, she absolutely hated it because she felt like she was in a box. She couldn’t be her normal, silly self and have the freedom in her spirit that she craved as a Lion. Life taught her that hard work was better than a pill.
If you have P children in your home, I would also suggest you listen to episode seven and eight which are interviews with extroverted P types. All extroverted P types are driving a convertible through life and they are on a country road with no map! They are 100% perceiver!
Lion perceivers are different from Eagle and human perceivers. One is sensory and the other is intuitive and it makes a big difference in the behavior. Check out episode 13 on sensing and intuition.
My closing thought for today is from Abraham Lincoln. “In the end it’s not the years in your life that count it’s the life in your years. P types are playful and help us to enjoy life.”
But for my J types out there which I am one and by the way, I am a sedan on a highway with the GPS so I am 100% a J! But because I am intuitive I am a little more P like. I also have a quote keeping the J types in mind. Here is a quote from Pele one of the worlds, most famous soccer players. Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying sacrifice, and most of all love of what you do.
Email me at Wendy@WendyGossett.com for the other chart I mentioned in the episode.
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